Making a list: The best and worst movie Santas

Let’s call this one a guilty pleasure. In Santa With Muscles, superstar wrestler Hulk Hogan plays Blake Thorn, a millionaire and full-on jerk who wakes up from a head injury thinking he’s Santa—and starts to become a nicer guy. Hogan’s performance resembles his chest: broad. But try not to smile as Thorn gets less thorny and more likable. It resembles the bit when Hogan’s Thunderlips went psycho on Rocky in Rocky III, then happily posed for photos with the Italian Stallion. The eclectic supporting cast includes Ed Begley Jr., Mila Kunis, Don Stark, Robin Curtis, Garrett Morris, and Clint Howard.

John Call spent much of his career playing small supporting roles in movies and TV shows in the 1950s, occasionally going uncredited. In one of his last performances, he portrayed Santa in the cult-favorite Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. The “plot” finds Santa having been kidnapped on Earth to create a toy factory on Mars. It’s stupid-silly nonsense and Call gets into the spirit, hamming it up and clearly delighting in the company of the kids —including Pia Zadora—playing the young Martians and Earthlings. Hey, at least he got top billing!

Relatively few people in the U.S. saw this wonderful animated family film upon its initial release, but it’s become steadily more appreciated over the years, especially as newcomers discover the Aardman production. Much of Arthur Christmas’ appeal comes from the warm, world-weary voicework by Jim Broadbent as Malcolm Claus, the 20th and current Santa, who must contend with his wife and sons, not to mention the modern technology now driving the gift-giving process. Interestingly, Broadbent played a live-action version of St. Nicholas a few years later in the British holiday comedy Get Santa.

Comedian Patton Oswalt turns up as a drug-dealing Santa who drops off a package that sets A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas in motion. Oswalt’s role is best described as an extended cameo, and he’s practically unrecognizable for much of it, but as usual, he brings the chuckles. Kudos to whoever thought to cast him as a mall Santa. Random side note: I saw this one in 3D and the film took advantage of the technology, sending some really crazy stuff—including plumes of marijuana—at the audience.

J.K. Simmons is not only an Oscar-winning actor, he’s a veteran voiceover artist who has lent his talents to everything from animated movies and television shows to video games and commercials. Here, in this lush and engrossing animated Santa Klaus origin story, he imbues the initially intimidating character, a woodworker/toymaker named Klaus, with pride and warmth as the story evolves. Trivia fans will appreciate the fact that Klaus was the first original animated feature from Netflix.

Rise Of The Guardians proved to be something of a surprise hit when it opened in 2012, even if it came from DreamWorks Animation/Paramount and boasted an all-star cast that included Chris Pine, Hugh Jackman, Isla Fisher, and Jude Law. Alec Baldwin adopts a Russian accent to voice Nicholas St. North, who leads an Avengers-esque squad of Guardians (The Tooth Fairy, Sandman, Easter Bunny, and eventually Pine’s reluctant Jack Frost), in a race against time to stop the big bad, Pitch Black. Baldwin sounds properly authoritative in his take on St. Nick.

Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King in The Nightmare Before Christmas, is a little bored of celebrating Halloween in Halloween Town. So, imagine his delight when he discovers Christmas Town. But how to bring the Christmas spirit to Halloween Town? Chris Sarandon, as the speaking voice of Jack (Danny Elfman handles the singing), captures the character’s excitement, frustration, joy, and love as he emerges as something of an ersatz Santa. In a film filled with wildly inventive characters, Jack stands tall.

Santa as a gleeful action hero? That’s what happens when you cast Kurt Russell as the big guy. Russell, who was in his late 60s when he made the first Christmas Chronicles, channels some of his famous old characters—and it’s a blast to watch because we’re so used to pokey Santas who let others do the heavy lifting. The first movie is good and the second one is merely OK, but Russell’s Santa rules in both, and who better to play Mrs. Claus than Russell’s longtime love, Goldie Hawn.

Santa Claus: The Movie is bad. Let’s get that out of the way, even if some people watch it religiously. It looks cheap, spins a dull story, wastes the casting of Dudley Moore as an elf, and is a big lump of cinematic coal. But … John Lithgow delightfully chews the scenery as the villain and the late, great character actor David Huddleston not only looks the part, but delivers important messages about Christmas, and the Christmas spirit, that hit you right in the feels.

Why anyone would remake Miracle On 34^th Street remains a holiday mystery. How do you top perfection? But if you’re going to try, you couldn’t do better than tapping Richard Attenborough to play Kris Kringle. Better known as a director (Gandhi, Chaplin) than an actor, Attenborough brought a combination of warmth, gravitas, and bemusement to his performances. His Santa, much like his John Hammond in the Jurassic Park adventures, has a glimmer in his eyes and almost winks at the screen. He thoroughly humanizes Santa in this OK but unnecessary remake.

Tim Allen tends to find franchises and ride them. Allen, in the middle of his long run on Home Improvement, was cast in The Santa Clause as Scott Calvin, a guy who accidentally kills Santa and thus must become Santa. And so was born an unlikely franchise. As one might expect, Allen plays Scott/Santa with the same energy, humor, flashes of affection, and slightly over-the-top-ness he brought to his standup comedy and to Home Improvement’s Tim Taylor. For a couple of generations, Allen is their Santa Claus (and their Buzz Lightyear).

Elf is totally Will Ferrell’s show, but all the supporting players make a mark, including James Caan, Zooey Deschanel, Daniel Tay, Mary Steenburgen, and Edward Asner. Two-thirds of the way through a long and distinguished career, Asner won over younger moviegoers with his turn as a cranky-but-loving Santa. Even if you don’t believe in Santa as much as Buddy the Elf does, you can believe in Asner’s Santa, which he plays with precious little sentimentality. That’s a true Christmas gift.

Edmund Gwenn amassed more than 100 credits during his decades as an actor, but none stand the test of time more than his performance as Kris Kringle in this holiday classic. From the get-go, we believe Kris is Santa, and we root for this kind, gentle, inspirational, and occasionally sly man every step of the way. Gwenn deservedly won a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work in Miracle On 34th Street, which remains as charming as ever after more than 75 years.

Santa stabs Nicholas Angel right at the start of this Edgar Wright-Simon Pegg-Nick Frost comedy collaboration. Bad Santa, right? Anyone could have played the role in Hot Fuzz, but Wright tapped Peter Jackson, the esteemed director of The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, to do the honors. The really funny part is this: Jackson for years sported a beard and carried a few extra pounds., but when Wright came calling, Jackson had just shaved and lost weight. So, the production needed to Santa-fy Jackson.

Billy Chapman harbors major Santa Claus issues dating back to his early childhood, so when he snaps and goes insane while wearing a Santa Claus suit, well, there’s no fury like a bonkers St. Nick. In Silent Night, Deadly Night, Billy embarks on a gruesome killing in this slasher ho-ho-horror film that rarely cuts away from the good stuff. Robert Brian Wilson made his film debut portraying teenaged Billy in the film, layering his performance carefully so that Billy comes off both psychotic and sympathetic.

If you enjoy movie train wrecks and have never seen Fred Claus, by all means, check it out. It’s a disaster, with bad visual effects (but great sets), inane dialogue, overdoses of both hostility and sentiment, and Vince Vaughn doing his seething guy shtick as Santa’s brother, Fred, who’s been leading a normal life until he visits the North Pole. The film’s saving grace is Paul Giamatti, who (for the most part) turns down the dial on his angry-guy persona to gift us with a very human Santa, who is exhausted but caring and understands his place in the world.

I’m going to go with first-person here. I know that some people cherish The Polar Express and consider the multiple performances by Tom Hanks—as the conductor, hobo, Santa, etc.—to be nothing short of iconic. Hanks shines in all the vocal characterizations, but I can’t get past the creepy animation, especially the evil eyes, which just yank me out of the movie from beginning to end. I tried again to watch this and ultimately gave myself a holiday present by fast-forwarding to the bits I needed to see before turning it off.

The Big Man is a big jerk. Santa doesn’t figure prominently in A Christmas Story, but it makes perfect sense that this offbeat film gives us a crabby department store Santa who, lacking any patience or tolerance for children, pretty much terrifies them. He goes on to dismiss Ralphie’s dream of a Red Ryder rifle by noting, “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.” The late character actor Jeff Gillen hit all the right taciturn notes as Santa.

Demon Santas, psychotic Santas, and intimidating human Santas are one thing, but the baddest of bad Santas was, is, and will likely remain Willie T. Stokes, played to perfection by Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa. Willie steals from the mall where he appears as Santa, sucks with kids, is a sex actor, and drinks and curses too much. And then he meets a bullied kid who—even if just a bit—helps his Grinch-like heart grow. The whole film is great, and funny as hell, and Thornton delivers cinema’s best and baddest Santa.