What do we actually want from a Mario movie?

One of the nice things about today’s teaser is that it opened, not on the basic-ass grass-and-mushrooms backdrop of the Mushroom Kingdom, but on some distant icy fortress and its penguin defenders. One of the great things about the Mario games is how wide a span of locations they cover, even within a single game. The movie is an obvious chance to show off how huge the Mario world can be, covering everything from whole islands made of chocolate, to the hellish lava worlds of Bowser’s home base, to whole islands made of cake. (Mario … ends up running around on edible landmasses more often than you’d think.) The point is: If you’re going to make a Mario movie look this good, give us all the scenery we can eat.

Although it’s struggled with this at times, Mario was one of the first gaming series to offer fans a playable female character, with Princess Toadstool (later re-branded as “Peach”) kicking ass and floating breezily through big chunks of Super Mario Bros. 2 way back in 1988. We don’t get a glimpse of Anya Taylor-Joy’s Peach in the teaser today, but we’re hoping that the version in the movie is the one players will recognize from her more active roles—the go-kart driving maniac/soccer star/general butt-kicker-in-chief—rather than the cake-baking rescue object from Super Mario 64.

Look, it’s not necessarily Illumination’s fault that we associate their output with a lot of dumb, puerile jokes about bodily functions. Since its inception, the studio has been following the Dreamworks playbook to a T, and that includes giving the 6-year-olds in the audience something to giggle at while their parents grove to old Monkees songs. That being said—and at the risk of going off on a tangent about, like, the dignity of Super Mario—we would love it if this movie could take its storytelling seriously enough to not include a joke about Mario or his buddy Toad farting or pooping or peeing on something. Please?

We will grant one exception, of course: Wario, if he appears, may fart. It would be folly to ask him not to.

This one feels like an impossibility, given Pratt’s track record and modern animation’s overall trends and the necessity of soundtrack sales, etc., but we have to at least ask: Can we please skip the bit where all the characters do a big dance number at the end of the movie? We get that it’s fun, and it gets the little kids clapping, and also stops you from having to write an actual ending for your movie. But we’re pretty sure we will die if we have to watch Mario breakdance to “Party Rock Anthem” or whatever. We’ll die, Nintendo. Don’t do this to us.

This is, ultimately, the big one. It’s the reason Pratt’s casting has made us nervous; it’s the reason making a Mario movie in the first place has always seemed like such a daunting prospect. Because main characters in movies have to have a personality, and Mario … doesn’t?

That’s not even a burn! For a video game character like Mario—who exists almost entirely to just be a player avatar to run and jump through all of Nintendo’s beautiful, goofy worlds—any kind of personality would mostly serve as a distraction or a demerit. (Nobody needs to hear Mario yell “Eat feet!” after every third Goomba he stomps into mushroom paste.)

But the Mario in the movie can’t work like that: He’s going to have to have a viewpoint, and an arc, and be, well, a person. The trailer suggests we’ll be doing the fish-out-of-water thing of him being a recent transplant to the Mushroom Kingdom, so we’re expecting a fair amount of “guy confused by the weird stuff around him.” But ultimately, this is all going to come down to the writing, and to Pratt: They have to make Mario a compelling character to spend time with, which is literally something that his video games have never had to do. It’s a daunting prospect, and we just don’t get enough of the character in the trailer to suggest how well it’ll be tackled.

Nintendo is clearly in franchise mode here; this isn’t a company that deploys its flagship character like this unless they’re expecting big returns. As such, an after-credits sequence teasing some unused character who’ll be a big part of the next movie is, we imagine, unavoidable.

All we ask, then, is that we not go with the most obvious choices: Your Warios, your Yoshis, your Koopalings. (We’re hoping Wario just shows up in the movie proper, mind you.) The Mario series has a lot of weird places it can pull from, though, and there’s nowhere better to serve as a trial balloon than after the credits have rolled. Get ambitious, Nintendo! Bring back Tatanga, the weirdo alien from Super Mario Land! Bust out Wart, the dream-dominating frog from Super Mario Bros. 2. (Don’t introduce those annoying rabbits from Super Mario Odyssey; we want weird, not deeply irritating.) The point is, Mario is a vast universe: Have the courage to explore it—even if it leads you toward Waluigi’s waiting, and unwanted, embrace.