It finally happened. This season of The Bachelor has been flirting with greatness since the beginning, but this week really delivered. It’s fantasy suites week, or “Sex Week,” as Zach calls it, because he’s really a 13-year-old boy in a man’s body. Of course, this man tries to do “the right thing” by saying sex is off the table for the overnight dates, only to change his mind midway through. This is a totally unforced error! No one was pressuring Zach to live this week like a Disney Channel star circa 2008 and make a purity pledge. And Zach, even if that’s what you wanted, maybe just keep it to yourself so you don’t have to walk it back once you fuck up.
But that’s what makes this episode so amazing: the mess of it all. I’m sorry, but watching someone try to do the right thing only to do the wrong thing over and over again is great TV.
Fantasy suites are taking place in Thailand, and production shoots Zach’s arrival by boat as if he is on a great mythic quest. He recaps how he feels about each woman, complete with flashbacks (it seems like there are more of those this season for some reason) before sitting down with Jesse Palmer. Guess his ESPN commitments were less demanding this week. Zach reveals that after some conversations with his BFF Sean Lowe, he has decided there will be no sex this week. “No sex of any kind.” Like, not even a BJ? Jesse’s face at this proclamation is genuinely hilarious. “You are going to be tempted,” he says to the tone of “Why are you doing this??”
After a quick outdoor shower, which I can only assume is contract mandated at this point, Zach meets up with Ariel. “She’s just so different from everyone else,” Zach says, and she is! Ariel is too cool and too hot for him. They head to a night market to try adventurous foods, and the first vendor is selling crunchy bug snacks. “What’s that one?” Zach asks, pointing. The man answers, and Zach repeats back, “Chicken.” Ariel corrects him: “Cricket.” It is this moment when I think I fell in love with Ariel.
Ariel explains in her confessionals that she feels an uninhibited chemistry with Zach (really?) and that being physical with someone is a big part of getting to know and eventually loving them. Friends, we call this dramatic irony. Ariel is emphasizing the importance of sex when we know Zach is about to tell her they’re not having it. Sorry, I was an English major.
The food is spicy, sparks are flying from the fire dancers, and Zach says when he kisses Ariel, his body feels hot. Just bang, guys!
As Zach and Ariel come back to their hotel, we get the most deranged, incredible moment of the season. Waves crash against the shore. We get eerie shots of Thai sculptures. Gabi is journaling, before looking out the window with jealousy. Birds call. “This sort of feels like The White Lotus,” I say uncertainly, before the show cuts to a sign that says, “White Lotus.” What?! Did Mike White direct this interlude? Is someone going to be murdered at the end of this season? Production is absolutely fucking with us, and I’m obsessed with it.
During their dinner, once they get the fantasy suite card, Zach reveals to Ariel his no sex policy. She is visibly letdown by this but tells Zach she understands where he’s coming from. In voiceover, she admits, “I was a little disappointed. I think it’s important to keep it sexy. But I want him to feel supported and cared for.” An insanely mature reaction. She has no business being on this show. They make out in their private pool while music from an SNL porno parody plays. In the morning, they’re very cuddly, but Zach emerges with his virtue intact.
Next up is Gabi, Ariel’s opposite in every single way. She is extremely anxious about everything, from her positioning as the second date to her self-tanner melting off in the heat. “I look really crusty,” she says like only a beautiful 25-year-old can, and the way this girl talks about herself makes me sad.
They take a boat to a private island and jump into ocean off the side before laying on the beach together. Gabi starts to freak out over nothing and takes a minute away, before sharing with Zach that she’s used to feeling like a second choice. Zach actually does a great job reassuring her, saying he gets insecure too, and they bond over their joint anxiety. Things go well over dinner, and she shares that she’s falling in love with him. Zach is thrilled! So thrilled that it’s time to now move into the part where he tells her they won’t be having sex.
The funniest part about all of this is that I think Zach thought the women were going to be thrilled by this decision, but he’s zero for two on that. “Did I think I’d get engaged to someone I had never had sex with? Probably not,” Gabi tells him. “I’m not going to seduce you,” she says in a way that is absolutely meant to be seductive. “I can’t wait for him to see my skin care routine,” she quips in her confessional. No one is happy about this! When they go into their fantasy suite, Gabi remarks on the size of the bed and quotes Step Brothers (“Lots of room for activities”). This is going to go great.
Cut to the morning, and they’re kissing in bed. Gabi is wearing one of those claw clips as she lays back against the pillow and I refuse to believe that wasn’t extremely painful for her. She tells the camera they had a great little cuddle session and the two part ways with me assuming their night went the same way Zach and Ariel’s did. Except no! Zach calls in Jesse Palmer like this universe’s priest to confess that they had a very passionate night.
“We both agreed and wanted to have sex together,” Zach says. “It was very special; it was important. What we both wanted and needed for the relationship. I feel terrible because I’ve essentially gone against my word.” Jesse looks concerned. “It came from a good place,” he consoles. LOL @ men. You’ve made this so much worse now! You could have just had sex with everyone and no one would have minded, but now this has become a thing.
Zach says he can’t keep this a secret and that he has to tell Kaity. Kaity?? Buddy, you need to tell Ariel. Kaity doesn’t know anything yet. She’s just assuming you’ve been having sex all week, as that is the format of this show. Somehow, it never occurs to Zach to go back and confess his sin to Ariel. Instead, he shows up at Gabi’s door to explain that he doesn’t regret having sex with her but that he will have to be honest with the other women. Gabi does not like this. Something that was off camera and private just between them (remember, she told us they enjoyed a “cuddle sesh”) will now be public to everyone. Zach whispers urgently that he’s falling for her, but that he has to do this. As Zach leaves, Gabi looks very troubled.
Kaity’s date was meant to be cool—it’s on one of those transparent canoes where you can see down into the water—but pretty much immediately it starts to rain and Zach stop to spill his guts. “I want to talk to you about what’s been going on.” This man uses the word “parameters” twice to tell her first that he started the week with a no sex rule before ultimately breaking it. Kaity and I are both wondering why he is sharing this information with her. It’s wild to watch her process it in real time, first by trying to be her usual overly accommodating self but then transitioning into bewilderment and anger. “I know the gist of this week. I don’t need you to tell me at the start of the date.” This is valid! They separate to get ready for the night portion of the date, and Kaity unleashes on a producer that she does not want to go.
I’m not sure how they talk her off the ledge, but by the time they sit down to dinner, Kaity has snapped out of this rare spurt of rage. Zach tells her he can’t hold in a secret—“It will literally make me sick to my stomach”—citing his Catholic guilt. Ah, Catholic guilt, the true driver of this episode. Kaity tells him it was a step back but they’ll move through it. “I think you’re amazing, Zach.” This girl is playing the game. She’s not about to lose over Zach doing something super idiotic.
Going into the rose ceremony, Zach’s decision is not as clear cut as usual. He and Ariel had a perfect date. How could he cut her? He and Gabi are the only two to have sex. How could he cut her? And though he experienced conflict with Kaity, she’s his undeniable favorite. Kaity gets the first rose, and Gabi gets the second. I guess it makes sense for him to cut Ariel. There’s no way the coolest woman on the show would fit into Zach’s boring-ass life, any more than he would fit into her interesting one.
But as Zach clinks glasses with his final two, a storm is brewing. Gabi is quietly furious with him, saying in confessional that “he’s cleared his conscious at the cost of my heart” and “I feel like I’m wearing a big A on my chest.” (Maybe she was also an English major.) Next week: The producers will wring all the conflict they can out of Gabi for no reason because we all know Zach is picking Kaity!
Stray observations
- Jesse reminds Zach that fantasy suite week was when “everything turned upside down” for him during Rachel’s season, but they provide no further insight into this. Internet rumors suggest that the two unearthed political differences, but the question is: Which one of them turned out to be a Republican?
- When Gabi is freaking out, is she trying to self-sabotage in hopes she’ll be named The Bachelorette? Maybe, but I don’t think so. This woman’s anxiety and negative self-talk seem all too real.
- Kaity is supposedly from Austin, but the way she pronounces “sorry” tells me she’s Canadian.